Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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