Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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