im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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