My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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