and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I am available for nakedness
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
