What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
