I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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