I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
