I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
