So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
