I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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