Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
