Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
