just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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