just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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