i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
