Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
