considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
