I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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