When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize