Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
