Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
