Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
