I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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