i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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