I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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