Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
