I think I won the penis lottery.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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