A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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