mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
