Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dignity is for republicans.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
