it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
