Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
