White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she looked like the before picture.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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