remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
