Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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