No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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