I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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