my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
