Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
