Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Damn victory sex feels great
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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