your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
