How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
