New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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