I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
