M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
