Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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