Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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