you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
