i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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