went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize