You smell like stripper and shame
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
