Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
