I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
