i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
