hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
