i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
did i just pee glitter
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
