My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
