dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I did not marry a roomba.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
