I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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