look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
