Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
