shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
