I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
