We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
