Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
