Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
